I would like to start out by sending a shout out to Mr. Sam Page. Thanks for adding me to your RSS.
Now the serious part of the writing. Never ever ever ever say that something is going boring. That is guaranteed to make sure that your life gets unboring in a hurry, and not in a good way. I will explain bellow. However firstly, something I've been meaning to write about, I wish I had some good pictures for you folks, but I could not find a camera, but, here's my thoughts.
The reason I keep coming back to Kentucky is not so much my family, which is pretty much a constant mess, or my friends from ye olde days, there are few of them left in the area, most of them hit a terminal velocity of one variety or another and have sky rocketed or plummeted to there own sections of the universe and have no desire to be reminded of our sorted past. No, it's the light. I know it's going to sound crazy, and I know that the same sunlight that falls in DC is the same that falls here in KY, but . . it's different.
The slant is off and its more diffuse. I can't tell if it's because of the extra pollen that he ohio valley puts in the air or if it's because it can seamlessly shine down in sunset upon golden hills and shadow-dappled valleys. But it feels almost syrupy. I can see through it and feel like i am one man taking on the world, I am the statue that holds back the darkness. I am the one who will make everything whole and good and right. It's not egotistical, I hope that everyone feels that way. It's gonna take all of us to make it happen. But this light that goes through us, that is the reason I come back. It makes me feel whole again and revitalizes and centers me on the task at hand and what ~needs~ done. I'm gonna need that iron in my next trip.
Now, what I meant about the whole "wishing things were more exciting". My father went in for a colonoscopy. Pretty common procedure at the age of 50. He had no issues. The next morning, while I was in Louisville at a friends house, he got all backed up. As of 11 am today basically they removed his Gall Bladder. I've spent the vast majority of my day up in the hospital. Don't get me wrong, he's doing just fine, I'm sure he'll be back to giving me shit tomorrow after the drugs wear off. But still, not pleasant.
I had another run in with my heart. To be honest kids, I'm the type of guy who falls in love at the drop of a hat. I think that when I like someone, I should charge full steam ahead and be-damn the consequences. This occurred right before I left to come home and it's falling apart right on schedule. He wants to talk on friday, it's not going to to in my favor, I'll remain hopeful, but I'm prepared for the inevitable to be honest. Wasn't smart on my part to do this before I deploy anyway, but sometimes I never claimed to be the most emotionally smart man on the face of the planet.
My mother, who thinking I am having trouble with another girl (the parents don't know) actually gave me some advice. She turns to me and says "Lenny (thats what the family calls me), you have a bad habit of trying to shove your heart at girls and thinking that you can force them to love you like that, it doesn't work like that, you have to give them time to accept you." She then proceeded to try to boost my self-esteem with a list of my good qualities. But she is probably right. Sadly I tend to view life as not being a place where one can wait for things to happen. You have to seize things and make them yours and make life work, because otherwise it will slip away from you and you will loose what you were going after. The temporal existences fleeting and slick, if you don't hold on you've already lost.
I don't know if I'm right. Considering my past track record I'm probably not. I just wish I could make ~this~ work. It won't happen, I know this, but I wish it would. I'm tired of being alone.
Gah, that broke rule one of blogland, sorry for whining.
Anyway the temperature has dropped and I'm freezing. Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with my friend in Louisville again, hopefully doing touristy Louisville things like the Riverwalk and going to the Louisville Slugger Museum. Then it's visiting dad, then friday morning back to DC.
I hate to phrase it like this. But I'm ready for Iraq. I'm ready to not have time to think about me, but to concentrate on something I can fix. Life is much simpler when the mission truly comes first.
3 comments:
You were all prepared to have my back, so when the time comes, you know I can put a rugby style smackdown out for ya. But seriously, hope it all goes well with your dad and the boy.
And I totally know what you mean about fall sunshine in the bluegrass state, it's envelopping.
I was in Louisville during the Memorial Day holiday. I liked walking on that street where they had the Louisville Slugger museum. I especially liked that humongous mirror thingee across the street. That was fun to stand in front of and see a hundreds YOU's looking back at you.
Take care in KY. Enjoy your family as much as you can boo.
Leaving, by deployment or otherwise, fucks with your head. And by your head I mean everyone's head.
Love is sticky, like something that once you get it on one hand, pulling it off with the other is only going to make it worse. So maybe the reaction people choose is to not get sticky, or at least arrive with well floured hands, just in case.
If you're interested, and if you get bored, there's always AKO. The sandbox can be pretty inspirational if you're prone to it by nature.
Oh and make sure you back up your work often. I spent the past 72 hours trying to get into a drive from someone who'd been in SWA for a year and all her work was on that one drive.
Mission first is easier, just don't lose yourself completely in it.
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